I don’t even know where to begin picking up the pieces or letting go of the pieces I thought were needed to add the puzzle called my destiny together. This has been one of the years where I realised I don’t know anything! Yes, Forgiving God!
I thought I’d be married now, on to my second qualification; having beautiful children calling me mama; having my own house, not very big, however have a room with a beautiful table and chair to inspire me to write whenever I walk in it. I had it all figured out and to me I don’t think I was being demanding to God! Now here I am, 20 something and I am not where I had imagined to be.
I got a job this year which was a step up for my career and paid really well. A month later, the whole teams’ contracts including mine were terminated simply because client decided they don’t want to work with the company I was working for. My first thought was why did God give me this job to have me home a month later? But I knew something will come up sooner. I am the type that makes things happen instead of watching them happen so I was positive about this. Went to a couple of interviews just to be rejected while I also turned down some offers.
Decided to go into school ministry because I don’t like idle time and realised I have to travel by means of transport to get to the schools and that gave me anxiety because money was running out without anything coming in. What was going on with 2013? I have had challenges but these ones seem to be throwing me in the darkest pit. It wasn’t long before I figured I really know nothing. I thought I had it all figured out, that if I had a plan, God would open doors and go “yes” to my plans but I was getting to know the God who also says No to some things. I thought He agreed and all was in His will for me but He was saying No!
Things were not making sense, more than anything, God was not making sense. It’s really hard to comprehend what was going on in my mind when you have never went through disappointments in life, when everything gets you frustrated and you really cannot put two and two together. What’s worse is having no one in a human form to talk to. People can be weird sometimes, I didn’t want anyone’s advice, I just needed someone to listen to my frustrations as I vent out. I didn’t need scriptures, I know what the word says, and I needed one to listen, nod their head and keep their opinions to themselves. The only person I could talk to was the One I didn’t know what to say to Him, and that was God.
I had to let go of relationships that I believed I’ll be part of for all the days of my life. Letting go has never been easy especially when you believe you are meant to grow old together. The biggest blow was realising the man “I thought” I was supposed to marry is in a relationship with somebody else! The painful thing was to see someone you love, loving someone else. For weeks I thought I could never love anyone like I loved this man, (Lol) but you will be surprised of the many things and many people you can live without that you thought you can never live without!
It was as though if God wanted to hurt someone out of a group, I would be the one chosen. If God had to kill someone amongst a group, I would be the chosen one to be killed. If one person had to lose between the two people standing, I would be the loser. If people had to choose their partners, I’m always the one who won’t have a partner. Things were not making sense especially when I’ve served God faithfully.
See, I’ve learned things will not always make sense. Even now there’s just somethings I’ll never understand but I’ve chosen to forgive God and let go of trying to make sense of everything. Forgiving God sounds silly but when you’ve been through rejection; No’s; disappointments; stood alone; had people you called loved ones going out of your life; not being understood… and all you can say to God is, “I don’t know anymore!” .You cannot say more because you’re trying to figure out how He allowed all to fall out of place at one go? All you can do is forgive, not try lean on your own understanding of doing things and trust Him.Such life events develop character!