An open letter to my 30 year old self
It has been a crazy ride these past 10 years. Some were the hardest rides and some the most joyful rides ever! On Tuesday, you turned 30. You did well by taking a day off from work so you can celebrate your day the way you want to, with one of your favourite humans in this world. Your birthday month took you on an emotional rollercoaster with anxiety clouding your mind, but I am glad you could shake that off and focus on what’s real.
You need to know you have done well for a 30-year-old. Life is not fair, you can do your best to plan the best future for yourself but sometimes it doesn’t turn out the way you wanted it to turn out. That’s the unfairness of life.
The past 10 years made you re-realise your passion for writing, reading and being an influential person. It’s great to see you consistently working on your passions as they shape your purpose. But, you must agree that it has not been easy. That’s the best part about growing up. You realise what works for you and what you need to eliminate along the way.
It’s kind of funny you were planning to gift yourself and B with a gift of parenthood for your 30th birthday. You thought you would be holding your few months old baby in your hands on your birthday, but you had to be real with yourself that you and your hubby were not ready to be parents, especially when you were still adapting to being husband and wife. Being a wife is a whole adjustment, and so is being a parent, and you would like to get to motherhood having taken a step back from pursuing your career and knowing hubby will fully be present as a father.
One of the best parts about this year is the decision your husband took when he decided to choose his marriage first (After God of course!). The past two years have been kind of tricky for you as his full-time job at church felt like a side chick you were competing with in your marriage. The church demanded a lot of his time and you needed him present in your marriage. This year started on a high when he chose you and finally made a choice to pursue his God-given dreams. You two have taken time off from a lot of things to spend quality time together and rediscover yourselves. As much as you love children, you know in your Knower that marriage doesn’t mean children. Therefore, it doesn’t make you and B selfish by desiring to focus on your passions and doing you for now.
Losing your dad shook your world. You still wonder how a healthy person can just die like that! What bugs you the most is if your dad lived his best life. Nothing pains you more when people never get to live their best lives, it is not fair at all. This season made you to be thankful for the gift of life. Life is indeed precious.
Life has made you appreciate your mom so much. Most days you go through life and think how she had it all together with three children when life is confusing with no child in your life. That woman is a true gem. Her strength, love and perseverance amazes you. Your mom went through retrenchment, separation, divorce and heartbreak. Not once do you remember her treating you and your siblings based on her moods wings. She was the same person all the time. Loving and amazing.
Your peers are managers in their desired careers when you are still working towards getting back to your desired career. You are still not driving your dream car, let alone own a car. But never allow that to make you think you have failed, because you did not fail.
Self, as you celebrated 30 years on Tuesday, you have everything you need. I know it looks like you don’t but you do. All that you need, you already have it. You are pursuing your passions and you finally graduated even when it looked like it will never happen. You are still in Christ and you have good health. One of your desires before turning 30 was to be married by 25. You were not married by 25, but today you are married to a man you didn’t have to compromise one bit for him to like you. You've got it all Girl!!!
Lastly, you still don’t have it all figured out. You are still going to stumble here and there. A lot of things take time, so give yourself time. You have never been in your 30s before, so don’t act like you have it all figured out. Live is to be lived, so live!