Marriage...A transition one can only prepare for
I know I know! All my posts now have all to do with marriage that it can be boring but that’s the harsh reality about marriage, or transitioning to marriage. There is no such as things will remain the same. Trust me! Things change, and the sooner you know this, the better for you to let go of your loved ones who are transitioning to marriage life. It’s a different phase and a different ball game that you need to prepare for.
I have mentioned a few times how I have always been passionate about relationships and desired to get married. Years back I started investing on dating-courtship messages and marriage stuff. I convinced myself I know it all, I mean what would still surprise me about myself that I didn’t take time to focus on when I was single…until I got into a relationship! There are certain things you can only know when you are in a relationship. Stuff only your partner can have the guts to tell you where your friends could not. I realised how a sulking baby I was! I still sulk and am working on it, but it used to be worse. I would sulk over everything! In fact it got so annoying, it was like B has a toddler instead of a girlfriend.
Many think the only time things start to change is when you say “I do”, but in fact you begin transitioning the very first day you get into a relationship with your future spouse. Every choice you now make, you have him in mind. You learn to be selfless. You learn to put him first after God. You realise this person is going to be the closest person to you. Another thing that was hard for me to learn was to wear forgiveness as a crown. Someone once said to me “marriage is not for lovers, but it is for forgivers.” I realised whenever B did something wrong, I’d crucify him, but learned I gained nothing as tension grew. I had to learn to easily forgive and let go as well. I had to learn that before he is my fiancé, my lover, my friend, he is a child of God, so I need to be really careful how I treat children of God.
“Marriage is not for lovers but, it is for forgivers.”
As much as love does not sustain a marriage, it is easier to submit to someone who loves you and you love him. The biggest transition had to be for my career. Moving to a city that has less than 5 PR agencies that are successfully known and are doing so well used to bring anxiety. Someone in my shoes would never even think of doing that, but those are some of the sacrifices that come with marriage. Knowing you are willing to put your career aside to support him and be there for him, and be assured that if a great opportunity had to arise for you, your spouse would do the same makes the risk more fun and worth it.
Another transition has to be starting your own culture. Knowing you as a couple are unique is very important. Learning also to be able to start your own culture in your new home can also be tricky because there are some things you might want to hold on to but in that department your partner wants you two to explore and start a new thing. I am from a home where we eat small portions, everything of ours is served in little bits. I remember the first time B had lunch at my house. Later that day he shared how hungry he was! My reply was “but you just ate not so long ago!”, and he said it was as though he’s having a starter! I felt so bad! I have since learned not to dish up for him like I am dishing up for myself.
Setting boundaries for in laws is key. Family can be clingy at times. There’s a myth that when people get married, they are bringing the two families together, and now the burden ends up being on the couple to try bring the two families together. When two people marry, they add as a third family. I have learned to protect B from my family and friends. It has always been nice to show him off, but being in a long distant relationship, it’s easy to find yourself going from dinner party with friends to another family gathering the whole time your partner is in town. Quality time is one of my love languages, so it’s easy to think you are spending time with your partner when you are spending time with other people, and him in the background. It’s better to allow the transition earlier with family so they are able to let go and allow you two to be after the wedding. Not in any way am I implying you cut contacts with your family, no ways! B and I are very family oriented, But allow them to get used to you transitioning to marriage and starting your own family without them being too involved in your day to day of your marriage.
At the end of the day, you realise you only have each other. After the big hoo-haa and you’ve been smiling the whole day with everyone congratulating you on being Mr&Mrs, you only have each other. It is also possible that some of your guests you had at the wedding, you may never see them again. You literally only have God and each other. It is important to have each other’s best interest at heart, to be friends and cover each other’s flaws, because no other human being will be able to forgive you like your spouse.