A father's presence...I never knew

Nearing towards Father's day, I find myself not knowing what to do. Talk about mother's day,and I'll give you plans that would last me a whole lifetime on how to spoil my mom,my queen. For father's day,I don't even know whether to simply send a text message to wish my dad a happy fathers day. Do I really mean it? Or will I be texting him because its Christian of me to do that? I'm puzzled!

There are so many things I'd like to speak to my dad about without sounding disrespectful or having family attack me. So papa,here it goes,

Letter to my dad...

You probably don't know my passion for writing,so you don't know that I'm capable of having a blog,where I write about everything and anything,therefore,you might see this as an attack. Its not,I'm thankful that you are my father,wouldn't ask for another dad.

Papa I never had great memories of you. I mean whenever I think back when you and mama were still married, home was always tense. I know that's rich coming from me but a child starts remembering things from an early age as 3years and a child is more likely to remember the not so great memories. I guess that's what's stuck in my memory. I remember my day care graduation day well, you did not say much while mama was so thrilled and running around. You just sat and smoked. Maybe you a man who doesn't speak much, but your actions seem not to be doing justice either. I'm happy that you were there,and got to be part of my pictures.

I also have a vivid memory of you taking me to 1st grade and back. Lol,I remember a time when I woke you up telling you I'm going to be late for school (the perfectionist in me started way younger), you said I won't be late for school because I'll be with you. That day I missed assembly and the daily devotions. One of the funniest memories with you was when I demanded you give me 70c to buy ice cream. You bought it for me in the morning on my way to school and you watched me as I put it in my bag. I was saving it for after school,lol I was surprised to find my bag sticky and wet. My ice cream had disappeared. Lol ha ha.

It wasn't long after that,that you moved out of home. Mama sat us down to let us know she's done!she has separated with you. You did come to visit every month. I looked forward to your visits. You always brought nice things with you like yogi sip,cereal and pocket money for school. You always made promises,some you did fulfil but when I had forgotten.

The last time I saw you was in grade 5. You promised us staff as always, but this time you never came back. A month passed;six months,years and we never heard from you.

It was in grade10 when you resurfaced back into my life. All along,you were not far from home, but you just never bothered to take responsibility of your own actions. I was a teenager,my emotions were on their own level,I had resentment towards you. If you were there,you would know how to handle a teenage child. You would have learned with my brother for he was a teenager before a young adult.

You then started being there,financially. That's all I looked forward to, receiving money from you, it wasn't enough to pay for first year or buy text books, but it was enough to go out for movies with friends and do my hair. I thought you were present but you were not for you still never took the time to get to know me.

Fast forward--»I got a job and have not heard from you in a year.

Papa, a healthy relationship with you would have made a huge difference but the one I had with you left scars. It has left me mending and having to learn to speak to men. All my teenage years,I've viewed male figures as liars; those that make empty promises and had always expected disappointments from them. I would date a guy knowing that he will disappoint me sooner if not now.

I didn't want assurance from men at all. I believe mama and your son,my bro, filled that role well in my life. They made me feel loved,know that I'm worth it and deserve the best. It was relating with men that was hard.

I've had to learn to be around men and not think they lust for me. Its uncomfortable for me to sit next to a man whose old enough to be my father or to receive a hug from them,for I've never experienced that. Its foreign to me. I had to take the initiative to learn.

My guy friends,they've always suffered. Its either I expected the best from them,not to fail in anything. I expected them to be what you were not in my life. A male figure that loves;protects; forgives ,infact to be superman. Whenever they failed (which was normal as we are human) I would immediately cut them out of my life!cut contacts!

One sits in sermons where they teach of fatherhood; a role of a man and a husband. Its easy to read of such and be taught of such but its another thing to experience it. Its been hard but its been a journey I had to go through.

Forgiveness is not only on the surface,its deeper. Its easier to speak of forgiveness when one hasn't been through the same experience but I have forgiven you. How would you have been a father when you also had a passive father.

I've grown now, we both have a life of our own. The father-daughter relationship might never happen,but I've forgiven you and I love you.

So, happy father's day. You have loved the best way you know how. I pray you look up to God,the Father who can fill the void. He's willing to teach if you let Him.


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